The best relationship advice no one ever told you

About this video

Clark Kegley shares three pieces of relationship advice. First, he argues falling in love is easy but staying in love takes work, pushing back on an ex’s view that relationships should not be work. He says anything worth having — fitness, business, personal growth — takes effort, and cites researcher John Gottman, who he says could predict divorce with high accuracy by counting a couple’s ratio of positive to negative interactions, with five positives needed for every one negative. Second, he recounts a professor’s warning that if you are unhappy single you will likely stay unhappy in a relationship. Kegley says people seek a partner to complete missing self-worth or validation, but should instead become the right person, arguing that ’tens attract tens’ emotionally and mentally as well as physically. Third, he describes a client in her 40s unable to move past an ex from her 20s, and says she needed to let go of both the pain and the pleasurable fantasy of that person. He explains this with the peak-end fallacy attributed to Daniel Kahneman — the brain remembers the peak and the end of an experience — which distorts memories of past relationships.

Key takeaways

• Kegley argues staying in love takes work, unlike falling in love which happens easily
• He cites Gottman’s 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions as a predictor of whether couples stay together
• He advises becoming the right person rather than searching for someone to complete you
• He says letting go of an ex requires dropping both the pain and the fantasy/pleasure attached to them
• He attributes distorted ex memories to the peak-end fallacy, where the brain remembers peaks and endings

Episode details: published February 9, 2022 · 10:23 long. Summary written by Self Growth Videos from the episode itself. Business results and any income figures mentioned are Clark Kegley’s own claims, shared for education — they are not typical or guaranteed.

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