Today is a great day.  I have found new drive and momentum for my life.  Today I meditated, did breath work, and had a cold water plunge.  I start now with day three of my positive aspects exercises set forth by Esther Hicks aka Abraham Hicks.  Yesterday and the day before have set already a feeling that rises as I begin.  

My Father loved and stuck by my Mother’s side for 48 years of marriage.  The two met in 1970 after he left the navy and the two of them fell in love.  They married a few years before having me and then a year and a half later had my Brother, Mike.  The four of us were a kind and gentle family that found faith in Christianity.  Even though that all turned sour due to abuse from a Christian school and a pedophile that they covered for, we still had a lot of great years.

I love my Father and today at the age of 50 I stand by his side as he slowly dies from the poisons he was exposed to in Vietnam.  He is a good man and a great example of how to be in that he is patient, kind, and dependable.

My family life was rough as we grew up and I am aware that many other men abandoned their families when my Father did not.  Times were not always good and many times were flat-out tough.  My Father works in a factory as a top adjuster and machinist.  He struggled to make a paycheck week after week, working many hours of overtime so we could have more.

To this day the man still does little to reward himself and is constantly helping others on their paths.  I love my Father and he is a great example of a Father.  I am sad that I cannot help him more.

I am in my heart broken in many ways over a lifetime of grief that is my bag to carry.  I stand here now able and full of love and hope that he will live forever, but I fear that will not endure.  I miss my Mother who passed over 4 years ago.  She and my Father stuck it out for 48 years and many of those were tough but somehow they pulled through.

I have many resentments and I have a hard time letting go.  I am tough, skilled, and driven.  I do not see and did not get that from him or her.  The lessons that I did get have guided me throughout these 50 years.  I miss Mom and I was not a good Son to her.  We had much baggage between us that we left fester rather than resolve.

So many years of regrets.  Oops, I slipped off the point here.  I love my family and it’s not too late for me to change this rant and the feeling I harbor within me.  What do I love the most about them?

I love that my father built a home rather than himself.  I am grateful that he worked so hard for us and did so much for us rather than being selfish and serving himself.  The man went without for so many years and it is now his reality and way of being.

I hope that he feels and knows how much it meant to me that he stayed and worked so many years of life away for us.  We were a simple family and I forget many times all those years from my youth.  I let hate creep into my heart years ago and it stifled all that has become between us.

He still stands with me even though for some time I have hated him for several actions he took.  When I weigh my life and my own choices I see where he has even after my youth was still there for me.  I fear the day I lose him forever like we did our Mother.

There is still time but I fear for him and how he may suffer before he goes.  I need so much to man up more for him before this all goes down sour.  I am in fear rather than bliss right now.  My love swells within me.

Tears flow, as I remember so much that I forgot to hold dear.  How do I honor this man?

I love my Father.  I love my Mother.  I missed so many opportunities to connect better with both of them.  My Father is a good man and he deserves so much more from his life experience.  I wish to connect better with him and will make a better effort at this.

I need to find forgiveness for so many things that I hold against my Family.  I met someone this past month who had no family.  Yesterday there was a quote that said, “A man complained about having no shoes, till he met a man who had no feet”.

This has great meaning and I am moved by this idea that my gratitude is not very great.  I am so grateful for my Father and Mother.  Thank you for staying together and fighting for our family.  

So many years of life together even though we partially fell apart.  The problem is me!

This person I met has so little family that I feel so fortunate.  She was a foster home child who was beaten by her foster family.  Her experience of life left her on disability for a lifetime.  At the age of 44, she has no skills and no family experience as a foundation in her life.  She is somehow happy, but I am sure that she hides her pain beyond what I see.

I take for granted all the years of family that I have behind me.  It truly was the backbone of my life.  I for years held so my against both of them and my Brother too.  I took what was a great blessing and turned it into a rock that has sunk my heart into darkness.  I am ashamed of the years I wasted.

I don’t want to lose him and I fear for the future.  How do I stand harder and help him more?  How can I help him have the happy ending he deserves for all those years he sacrificed for us?  How can I be a Son he is proud of and I feel that from him?  I feel mostly like I am a problem for him, even though I try so hard.

How do I honor a man who served his country, sacrificed 10 years in the Navy, and had a poor family life himself?  How do I honor his last years and how do I remember him till my end?  How do I find peace with all that was so that I can create something more for him, me, us?

I wish I could go back and hug my Mother.  She died horribly from Cancer and I was there for her but it was not enough.  How do I be a rock for my Father?  How do I prepare better from a place of weakness?  How do I rise above all this sadness and indifference?  How do I find love in my heart again?

My Father is a good man, he loves God and Jesus, he tried hard for us and sacrificed many things he could have had for himself.  He did not shirk on us and gave us all that he had to give.  He worked 60 hours or more in a hot factory that at times was 120 degrees.  He did it all so we could have more than he did.  He succeeded and we did have so much more than he had as a child.  

My Father is a great man in that he did not fail us.  He is strong even in his old age and frailness.  He loves me even though I tell him off for dumb things that I feel could have been.  I keep throwing away all that was better than for the idea it could have been better.  My Father was a provider and he gave us so much.  Thank you pop for all of it.  Today I am so grateful for you and your struggle of life.  

I pray for your healing and longer life.  Spirit protect this man, he was and is my rock and foundation.  I love him more than I could ever say to him in any way.  My Father was a good man, full of love for his mostly ungrateful family.  I owe him so much more!